How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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