Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
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I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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