Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
