I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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