This girl is more easily done than said...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
