Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
