the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
