I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
