a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
