I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
