So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
