My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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