I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
