i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
why do cheetos always look like penises
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
