Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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