i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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