I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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