hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
