the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my shit smells like andre
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
BRING THE BAGELS
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
