I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
