Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
