Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dicks are not precious.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
