Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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