I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
