Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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