running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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