nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
