hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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