She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
