I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
