I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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