Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
