Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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