I think I won the penis lottery.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
