You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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