Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
