i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
