It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
