no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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