his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
my liver is dry heaving
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
