so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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