So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
