You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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