I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
