my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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