I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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