Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
