Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
