if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
