What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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