Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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