in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
