I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
