It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
