well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
