I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
