I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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