we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A+ Viking dick
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
