I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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